In 6th grade I was continually bullied by a 7th grader on the bus. He would mock
and tease me, generally about my Christianity and the fact I wasn’t Catholic,
(or Italian) as were most kids in my neighborhood. One day he said that my mom was a b**ch. At first I wanted to hit him, but he was bigger and stronger than me and I didn’t want to get hit back.

…But for some reason, on that day, his name calling hit me in a very literal way. He
had never met my mom; therefore, he had no idea whether or not she was nice or
mean. I saw his statement has a flawed math equation; (like 2+2=17) he was not
only wrong; he was stupid and had no business making that assessment. He was
offering an uneducated, ignorant opinion. With more taunting he asked me what I was going to do about it. I calmly turned around in my seat and said, “That would have really hurt my feelings, if I valued your opinion!”

He was stunned, desperately trying to comprehend what I had just said. I received
a standing ovation on the bus. Some 8th graders high 5’d me, and he never again
offered me another opinion about my mom nor anything else.

This became my mantra of sorts. (to this day, I suppose) However, about 7 years
later I was sitting alone in my room, a new freshman at a Christian college
(where I did NOT fit in) sad, depressed and not liking myself wanting to go
away form the school but not wanting to go home, I was lost.

God spoke to me that day and reminded me of that old saying I had used against the
name caller. He told me that it not only applied to those around me, but that
it applied to me too. I thought about the “names” I was calling
myself, (loser, misfit, unlovable) and realized I had become my own bully, and
no less ignorant and uninformed as the boisterous 7th grader had been about my
mom. God quielty spoke again as said He had already evaluated me and found me worthy of the grace and love bought with His Son’s death.

He sharply asked me, “Who are you, to have such an audacity to think you are
capable of rendering a judgment to something I (God) had already decided.”
I had never felt such a reprimand from God as I did that day, and I had never
understood how much He loved and valued me either. So I no longer value my own
“opinions” of myself. This decision nukes depression and world based
judgments.

In my bible studies I have often asked high school kids to rate themselves on a
scale of 1-10 (10 being awesome). It is funny to see the faux humbled 8s and
8.5s as well as the 3s and 4s. In either case, it always seems like a burden or
weight for them to answer such a question.

I then ask them what number God would pick. I would receive everything from
giggles to tears as they realized the true nature of my original question. One
girl began to cry as she wadded up her paper (not sharing her number) and said
God didn’t need a scale because Jesus was beyond value and she now realized
that God loved her “that” much. (beyond and in place of her own self
assessments) Later that night I found her paper when I was cleaning up. I
opened up the paper wad to see she had written in a ZERO.

About a year ago, my wife asked me if I was happy. I honestly had no idea how to
answer. I new I wasn’t unhappy, but I didn’t “feel” happy either. I
loved my life and almost everything about it. I had not pursued happiness, nor
joy for that matter, sense that college encounter with God. To me, joy was a
mere result of living in the kingdom.

So I told her I was content in where I thought God wanted me to be and that
sometimes I enjoyed where God had me and other times it was far less pleasant.
But I really had no expectations that I am supposed to be happy. It took her a
while to understand this, but I think it was a huge, liberating relief to know
it wasn’t her job to “cause” me happiness.

…and nor is it mine.