1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.”
There are two basic emotions that govern our natural, human form…those being: love and
fear.
Recently, my wife and I engaged in a good-hearted discussion related to the concept of “discipline” in connection to the parent-child relationship. As is often the case in my professional practice as a psychotherapist and parent guide or consultant, the question of
how to elicit “correct,” “right,” or “compliant” behavior from our children arose – and, how discipline plays out its role in that process.
Although my wife and I adhere to the same Christian worldview and approach in our parenting attitude, methodology and technique, we find it helpful to communicate and, in
some cases, engage in a well-mannered debate about parenting practices as often
as possible. In these times of reasoning and dialogue, I am always swift in emphasizing our focus must be on targeting the relationship with our son, not spotlighting his behavior. Although the concept may appear simply stated, elementary, even plainly straightforward…the functional implementation and consistent exercise of the relationship approach is habitually thorny, complex and at times feels unachievable in practice.
During our examination, the subject of the well worn, commonly accepted and highly promoted practice of “time-out” as a disciplinary method reared its ugly head. Some close friends of ours were experiencing major “acting-out” behavior by their four (4) year old son. Our friends had obviously reached a boiling point, as they had publicly posted their woes on their Facebook page begging friends and family for advice. As my wife read aloud the responses our friends received, I became more and more dejected and frustrated as the “time-out” and “tough love” comments dominated the page.
As Christians, we value salvation as the greatest gift God has given or offered to us – a gift
provided through sacrificial love; and, we understand love as the greatest
human need born into our being. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, credited as the pioneers and forerunners of Attachment Theory, studied the need for connection and closeness with those we love – and, how those attachments impact our emotional,
psychological and physiological development. In an over-simplification of one of the tenets of Attachment Theory, I would offer that the theory purports love as the greatest human need. One of the basic rules of attachment is that our behavior is predominantly determined by how well we “connect” to those we love – simply meaning our relationship is dependent, to the greatest degree, on the quality of our relationships. That even
when we are separated from those we love and are dependent on, the strength of
the relationship can connect us from afar and significantly impact our choices
and behavior.
When children feel alone, isolated or disconnected from those whom they love (regardless of the reason), they crave to be connected (their instinctual drive to be close and secure in the relationship activates); or, re-connected, as it may be better stated. When children are connected, they are full of life, more secure; committed to the relationship; and, typically demonstrate more adaptive and compliant behavior as they want to maintain that secure and nurturing relationship – and, they don’t want to disappoint the parent. They don’t want to lose the relationship that is so meaningful and love-inducing.
Isn’t it interesting that we, as children of God, want to be close to God…we want to feel connected to Him? And, when we feel close to God, in relationship with Him, we feel more secure…committed to Him…full of life; we are able to relate to the world in a more positive and functional manner. That when we know God and connect with God, our behavior changes to align with the expectations and dynamic of that relationship. And, that when we feel apart from God…disconnected…separated…lost…our lives are typically unfulfilled…and, our behavior tends to deviate sadly from “right” or “correct” behavior.
As scripture communicates so clearly and straightforward in 1 John 4:18, ‘fear has nothing to do with love’. That very scripture tells us that fear corresponds with punishment. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.”
When we utilize the practice of “time-out” as a behavioral technique with our children, we are activating a fear response in them. How often when parents place their children in time-out…when they say, “Go to your room, I can’t be around you right now,” or, “I can’t deal with you…just go away and think about your behavior,” we see children’s fear response activated? The child will very often cry out…beg not to be separated from the parent or caregiver…make pleading offers to make the relationship right with promises to “never do it again,”…or, “I’ll be good…I promise”. These are all instinctual responses born out of the fear of separation from the parent.
If we understand that our greatest fear, the most devastating and inhibiting fear (as children of God) is the possibility of being ultimately separated from our Creator, we can begin to understand how behavioral approaches, methods and techniques like “time-out”
can be so stunting in an immature, undeveloped child’s relationship with the parent. When parents connect with their children on a relational level, they reflect God’s relationship to His children. He promises to never leave us…that we cannot
be separated from His connection if we simply believe in what Christ did on the
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place our children in time-out. Essentially communicating to our children their behavior is unacceptable and that they will be separated from us until they ‘learn better’. We activate the instinctual fear mechanism in our immature children in order to achieve right behavior, which we equate with love, even knowing there is no fear in love.
What our children learn from “time-out” techniques is the relationship is not unconditional and their behavior is a variable to either maintaining or losing that relationship.
So, if I intensely oppose the practice of “time-out” in parenting you might also assume I oppose the practice of corporal punishment, as well? Correct. Although the purpose of this article is not an examination of corporal punishment, it is necessary to provide some position on the practice and I will do so briefly.
First, I have heard many Christian parents quote the following ‘verse’ when discussing
corporal punishment, “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” In doing so, these
parents fully believe they are quoting scripture although this is not accurate. In fact, the oft uttered “spare the rod, spoil the child” quotation is actually acquired from
a burlesque poem by Samuel Butler published in the late 1600’s, referencing
sexual activities. Proverbs 13:24 (KJV) reads, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” This is the scripture they believe they are offering – but, we must examine the scripture more closely to understand what this verse teaches. One must understand the various meanings of the word shebet (rod) in Hebrew. Shebet can mean a branch for fighting, ruling, walking and, indeed, a rod employed for punishment. But, it also refers to a clan or tribe. Commonly, Christians simply utilize the word “rod” to indicate a stick, staff or device used for physical punishment; but, we must also remember the rod of a shepherd was used as a measurement or safety tool. The shepherd would extend his rod to portion how far his sheep could wander, but still remain protected under his watch. Another meaning of the Hebrew word for rod is a symbol of authority or rule – a rod might also be known as a scepter or staff. As parents, we must
not spare our rod, or rather, our God-given authority in our relationship with our children.
We must teach, guide and protect our children as a good shepherd or
steward would govern them. Corporal punishment is without question controversial within our society and the Christian culture, but, as Christians, we must be discerning in this area of scripture.
One more small word on corporal
punishment…
On more than a few occasions I have counseled parents who after spanking their children emphatically stated to me…”Sometimes there is nothing left to do…spanking is the only thing you can do! It is the only thing that works!” To these statements, my response is unwavering…”There is always something left to do…there is always something that works…prayer”.
As Christians, we have an understanding and faith, being divinely informed, through scripture, that we cannot achieve His acceptance, qualification or salvation through our behavior; but that everlasting life is born in the relationship with the Father. That everlasting life, that ultimate gift bestowed upon the children of God, is solely dependent on our ability to connect with God.
This is not to say that God doesn’t lovingly correct and discipline us…but, He does so in love, which does not work in fear. And, we too, must correct and discipline our children, in love.
As parents, we must begin to understand that behavioral methods may provide the desired
outcome in the short-term, but at what cost to the long-term relationship? Our goal as Christian-parents is to bring our children from immaturity to maturity…from dependence to independence (when they are mature enough to function healthily in that independent state)…to cultivate and enhance their relationship with Christ and to others in love…and,
ultimately, the only authority and influence we, as parents, maintain to accomplish those goals is that which the relationship bestows. We must move away from a focus on outward behavior and zoom-in on the relationship.
As a child of God, I am increasingly thankful that my Heavenly Father is concerned with
relationship, and not solely my behavior. I desire to reflect that design in my relationship with my child.
God is good – always!
-Michael C.
Wilson, LMSW
